I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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