dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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