If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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