I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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