OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
