My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
