He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
