i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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