I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
