see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
