fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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