it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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