come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
