Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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