When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
