First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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