i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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