I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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