You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
