She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
