By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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