I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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