please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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