im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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