I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
