i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
