You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
