I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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