Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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