I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
