Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
