i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
