i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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