i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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