I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He better not be in your backpack
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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