Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
