Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
