thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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