I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
