She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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