fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
