I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
