in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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