Can i not drive my cunt home
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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