then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
