worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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