I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
