My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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