I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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