I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
