I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
