oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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