Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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