I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
